|Warning, I'm letting it all out - well, not all, but some|
Since the world looks at my blog, but so few actually read it, maybe my thoughts on this virtual diary will be ignored but I will feel better. Now that was a complex sentence, wasn't it? Not the best I've ever written I'm sure.
It's raining. I didn't go to church. I still have no church home. I sometime wonder how in the world I got in this shape. Churchless - I used to so criticize in my heart people who said "I am a believer but I don't go to church." I'm not mad at the church. I love church. I long to be part of a body of believers again. But it always begs the question of where? Seems I don't fit any where any more. Seems no one wants the gifts and talents I have to offer the body of Christ.
I got an upsetting email from my daughter about my grandson. It's a mess. Like so many other messes I want to fix it. But I can't. I never have been able to. For all my love and attempts to help and make things better, I just get kicked in the teeth. Finally figured out it is better to just move on and focus on me.
Through other means I found out that secrets are being kept from me by my husband and other daughters. I am so very tired of it. I am tired of their attitudes and behaviors. It makes me mad. It used to make me so sad. I spent far too many days crying over these things. I spent far to many days blaming myself. I'm not doing that anymore. I am mad. I am ripping mad. Now to pray what to do with this anger. I am remember the scripture "be angry and sin not." Pray with me I don't sin. Pray with me I can appropriately express this anger. Pray that I'll know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Pray with me that I'll know what IT is?
I'm wondering about school. I'm wondering why an old woman is trying to spend money she doesn't have, will not be able to pay back, for a degree that will not lead to a job. I can't get a job now. It will be no different when I am called Doctor. I apply and apply and apply and ZERO... NADA... ZIP
I'm pretty discouraged today. I'm pretty angry today. I would like to have a punching bag and beat the crap out of it. Yes, it's that kind of day.
Every once in a while I write a blog that stinks and eventually I take it down - probably this is one of them. But I feel slightly better since I put it on paper.