Sunday, May 1, 2011

I NEED A PUNCHING BAG

I'm having one of those day.  I'm getting ready to probably be more transparent and vulnerable that I should be.  It's just one of those day.

Warning, I'm letting it all out - well, not all, but some

Since the world looks at my blog, but so few actually read it, maybe my thoughts on this virtual diary will be ignored but I will feel better.  Now that was a complex sentence, wasn't it? Not the best I've ever written I'm sure.

It's raining.  I didn't go to church.  I still have no church home.  I sometime wonder how in the world I got in this shape.  Churchless - I used to so criticize in my heart people who said "I am a believer but I don't go to church." I'm not mad at the church.  I love church.  I long to be part of a body of believers again.  But it always begs the question of where?  Seems I don't fit any where any more.  Seems no one wants the gifts and talents I have to offer the body of Christ.

I got an upsetting email from my daughter about my grandson.  It's a mess. Like so many other messes I want to fix it.  But I can't.  I never have been able to.  For all my love and attempts to help and make things better, I just get kicked in the teeth.  Finally figured out it is better to just move on and focus on me.

Through other means I found out that secrets are being kept from me by my husband and other daughters.  I am so very tired of it.  I am tired of their attitudes and behaviors.  It makes me mad. It used to make me so sad.  I spent far too many days crying over these things.  I spent far to many days blaming myself.  I'm not doing that anymore.  I am mad.  I am ripping mad.  Now to pray what to do with this anger.  I am remember the scripture "be angry and sin not."  Pray with me I don't sin.  Pray with me I can appropriately express this anger.  Pray that I'll know what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Pray with me that I'll know what IT is?

I'm wondering about school.  I'm wondering why an old woman is trying to spend money she doesn't have, will not be able to pay back, for a degree that will not lead to a job.  I can't get a job now.  It will be no different when I am called Doctor.  I apply and apply and apply and ZERO... NADA... ZIP

I'm pretty discouraged today. I'm pretty angry today.  I would like to have a punching bag and beat the crap out of it.  Yes, it's that kind of day.

Every once in a while I write a blog that stinks and eventually I take it down - probably this is one of them.  But I feel slightly better since I put it on paper.

5 comments:

  1. Sounds like we have had similar days this week. Mine not today but Friday when I was torpedo'd by google. I was hotter than a hornet. However I vented, found a cute pic to express my anger, and got busy figuring out a solution. I am praying for ya sis! And don't feel bad. It took me 8 years to find a church that wanted my gifts. And during that time, I didn't always attend when there was no purpose. At some point you have to feed others, not sit there on your blessed assurance and wait for them to recognize you.

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  2. Joyce, I wish I could be there and give you an extened embrace, to look directly at you and let you know I'm here for you. I love you for how real you are and for your honesty. But I could only do so 'virtually' -- just as you've used this blog as a 'virtual punching bag.' Keep punching away, and I'll keep holding you & your family up in prayer.

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  3. Joyce, though I have no easy answers, my heart aches and I am praying for you. Being lied to and feeling unappreciated and without a place for who you are is very frustrating and hurtful at times. But do know that I appreciate who you are, and you have blessed me greatly. I don't just what to give you just a cliched platitude but rather just simply tell you that God loves you and so do I. You are greatly appreciated by me and I pray that you will sense that God is with you and that He will give you grace in everything as you lay all your heart before Him as you are even now.
    Much Love in our Lord and Comforter Jesus Christ, Jackie

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  4. Writing it down always helps, and you answered it yourself. Be angry and sin not... We all get angry and how we handle it determines the direction we will travel. Take care of yourself first, and then you will be more help and understanding to those you love...

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  5. Oh, Joyce. Sometimes it makes no sense. Sometimes it is so tiring and hard to deal with the nonsense. Sometimes...we just have to pray like Jesus did on the cross...."Father, forgive them for they know not what they do". I often pray that about myself, too. Father, forgive me, I don't know what and why I do what I do. I'm praying that you will find a church where you can minister. We are experiencing a period in our lives when I feel we're vegetating as far as ministry, but there are many opportunities every day to minister - perhaps not in a conventional way but an "everyday" common type of help. God is using you. He has used you to help me and many others. You have a broad platform outside the church that many in churches never have.

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