It’s been many years ago now that I heard a man whose ministry I have always respected bellow out in a loud voice: “I hear the Lord saying, have you considered my servant Joyce.” Oh yeah, I knew that phrase, it came from the Book of Job. I’d been compared to Job before. It was after a serious of very bad things that had happened. I had been through house fires, death, disease, separation, and all manner of things. I was almost on the other side of the Job like experience when I heard those words.
It gave me much encouragement. He went on to say that it was God who had chosen me (thanks God) and that I had come through well because God knew I would … or something like that. He also said that he saw me with a great ministry and writing a book. I’ve heard that prophecy about a book many times. I listened to that tape over and over again – Have you considered my servant Joyce. Yes, God, have You considered your servant Joyce?
Today I wish I had that tape. I am not sure how I’d feel after all these years later listening to it. Would it encourage me as it did so many years ago or would it just add to the feeling of discouragement I am struggling with today. Would it seem to mock me as I wonder where this ministry is? Okay, the book? Yes, the book – maybe that’s my fault. However, when you are discouraged and you see no hope of a publisher in view – AND you think you’d have no way to sell the book when you are done – makes it hard to start to write the book. I’ve written it many times in my head though – that doesn’t count I guess.
Today I am also thinking about Job. Thanks be to God there are no huge calamities on the scene. There are minor ones – there are always minor ones when there is a big family and lots of people whose lives are intertwined with yours. I am actually thinking about Job’s comforters. I think they meant well. Like the people who are caring enough to respond to my lament on Facebook, they mean very well. Some know me, some think they know me, most don’t really know me.
Like Job, I am trying to be silent in response – I did say trying… I haven’t succeeded. I do know that even the advice that rankles me comes from a heart of people who really does care in their own way. However, when you are struggling and hurting, pat answers and platitudes, cute sayings, and even quotation of scripture, just don’t seem to help. I need someone to sit in ashes with me for a while.
Yesterday, sometimes my logical rational brain just can’t figure out what to do. The frustration mounds. Indecision is often worse than the consequences of a decision. I finally made one. Made one that I didn’t like but that seemed logically and rationally best. It wasn’t best for my heart though. My heart wanted something else.
In response to the denying of my heart, I got reply concerning my decision. It probably wasn’t as harsh as I read it but it crushed me. It crushed my spirit, it crushed my hope. If I told you what it was – you’d say, oh, that’s really nothing – or you’d tell me God has another plan, or God has a window, or God this or that.
I want God’s window – I’d love to find it and fly out of it and soar like an eagle. But I can’t find the window. I can’t find a door that is open. I am tired of rejection. That big reject button I have got pushed once again sending shock waves of self-doubt through my soul. The tears have fallen. My dog has licked my tears and stayed very close to me.
Today is a new day. I need to find a way to bury that reject button. But it’s there. Job’s comforters inadvertently push it as well. I know they mean well. I know they think they are helping but the truth is, I just need what my dog is giving me – a little TLC.