Saturday, December 3, 2011

Heart Sick

You ever hear the expression, "Well, I'm just going to take my marbles and go home."  I feel a lot like that a lot of the time.  While people usually think that person who wants to "pick up their marbles and go" is a bit of a spoiled brat.  You know, the one who always wants their way-doesn't like to share, always wants the power and to be in charge.  It's easy to think that.  We all know those type of people.

I don't need to have my way all the time.  In fact, I rarely get my way.  I tend to be the one who is most willing to give in - to say okay, that's fine.  Most of the passion has been sucked out of me in life so it's become easy to acquiesce.  I like being in charge but I don't have to be.  That assessment of why I want to "pick up my marbles and go" has nothing to do with having power.

But I do want to pick them up and go.  I want to retreat from conflict.  I want an end to frustration.  I want to be able to contribute and share.  In the end, I really want the gift I have to offer - my marbles - to be received.  I have good marbles :).

Seriously, I do have good marbles.  I have good ideas.  I am not always wrong.  I sometimes am right and even brilliant in my ideas.  But if your marbles, your ideas, are constantly rebuffed, they go back in your bag and you emotional retreat to home.

I've retreated so many times that I find myself socially awkward at times.  Of late I've been out some, met new people, been to new place, and yet, unlike the vibrant person who could thrive in almost any situation, I'm quiet and withdrawn.  I am so afraid of being hurt and rejected.  So many times my marbles, my life, my gifts, my offerings are rejected that I don't offer them like I used to... that's sad.  Because what I have to offer is good and could benefit a group, a team, a partner, and yes, even the world.

I watched Patch Adams the other night.  I wondered how he got that way... oh the movie shows the mental ward and makes allusions to it being a transformative time.  And yet it had to be deeper.  Was he just wired that way?  When he was being formed was their some happy gene that got over developed?  And why is it that some dreamers can make their dreams happen and others can't?  And its not all hard work - I know plenty of people with good dreams, great dreams, who work hard and never get a break.  Those I was with talked about how they wanted to be "excessively happy" like Patch.  I thought to myself, "I would too but..." there is always a but - this time the but was 'it will never happen.'

I don't think you can will it to happen either.  People tell me I can chose how I feel.  I can't.  I'm sorry but if that works for you, awesome!  But I just can't - I've been around the block way too long.  I've seen so many hopes, dreams, and ambitions collapse.  I've had to take my marbles home not because I was in a snit but because they (and I) weren't wanted in the game.

Interesting thing, I'm still polishing my marbles. I'm still in school.  I'm still working to have the credentials to be better at what I do... While this program doesn't challenge me, gives me lots of busy work and frustration, and is redundant - I'm still there.  Why?  Because somewhere in the darkest depths of my soul I really believe that God put this desire in me.  I believe that I do have something to offer.  I still believe that I can contribute and help other people.  For me, I had hoped the degree would open doors of service - give me that credibility that has alluded me in spite of my wonderful amazing marbles - my gifts, ideas, and brain.

This morning I had a talk with God.  I've had this talk before.  I told Him I wish I hadn't been born smart.  I said "Why God did you give me these"marbles" if there is no one who will play with me? Why God did you give me this brain if it will soon wither away in old age without being able to use it for your glory and for the Kingdom of God?  Why did you give me the ability to preach and teach - and I'm good at it, I really am - if no pulpit or classroom will have me?"

My heart hurts.  My marbles are back in my bag for now.  I'll take them out and polish them as I wind down a horrible semester.  I'll lick my wounds and hope they heal.  I'll gain new scars in the battle.  I'll do my best to stay on my feet.  And once again, hoping against hope - I'll hope that God has something better around the corner.  That maybe, just maybe, there is a game of marbles that is just waiting for my marbles to show up.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick - my heart is sick.

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