Tuesday, October 11, 2011


It was a full day yesterday; first I met our youngest daughter for lunch at a deli that serves great pastrami.  Then I came home and made myself a NY Egg Cream – yum.  Last night we had a late supper with our son.  While the food was not as good as the deli, it was a great time of chatting.  He was coming down off an adrenaline high from a major test at Med School.  He was debriefing all the information crammed into his brain about cardiology and pathology.  He amazes me sometimes at what he retains in his brain and yet, he is never quite sure how old he is… I think it’s that way with genius sometimes.

He had on a nice shirt.  It was a “modified” western shirt.  It had snaps and pockets but no yoke.  It caused me to reminisce about some shirts I made for my older sons when they were little.  One year for Easter, I had made my oldest daughter Bethany and I matching pinafore jumpers.  Both went to the floor as “granny” dresses were in style.  We both had a white shirt underneath.  As I looked at the fabric I had left, I saw in my mind matching western shirts for her brothers.  I went and got some muslin for the rest of the shirt and off I went to sew.  The sewing wasn’t hard, but oh, those snaps.  I had learned to pound snaps into place but it was always a challenge.

I so wish I had a picture of us in our family matching attire.

My son said to me, Mom you are really good at making things.  Then he mentioned my latest time occupier, baking.   The other day, I mentioned to a friend that I made jewelry too.  Let’s see, what can I do – well, I’m an excellent cook.  I’m a pretty good baker.  I sew pretty well and have “designed” without patterns a few garments in my day – I was making most of my own dresses by the time I was in Junior High School.  I can do home canning.  My chutneys and salsas are to die for... I can make great soaps and potions.  I mentioned the jewelry.  I sometimes draw although I haven’t done that in a very long time.  I crochet and somewhat knit.  I fancy myself a good writer, but only you can judge that...I have always had this attitude that if it can be done, I can do it.  And usually I’m right, I learn quick and do good work.

Yet why do I still feel like I have accomplished nothing in my life?  Why does that nagging word “loser” still echo in my heart?  There are many reasons I am sure.  
An unsatisfied restlessness within me makes me want to prove that I’m worthy enough.  It’s a terrible burden.
Some of you will find yourself in what I’m saying – you too have that unquenched desire for something that seems unattainable.  You may not know what it is, but you are sure you'll know it when it comes.  Others of you will say – what’s wrong with this woman, isn’t she ever happy? Some of you will say she has a spiritual problem - she'll never be worthy, only Jesus is worthy.  I know that.  That's not what I'm talking about - those of you who have this same restlessness know that... 

Some will have a verse and mean well.  Others will have a verse and judgment.  A very few of you will just love me and pray for me.

I don’t need verses.  I definitely don’t need judgment.  I don’t know exactly what I need – I just know there is an aching restless frustration in my soul.  There is something yet undone.  There is something yet to fulfill.  My ambitions, plans, and wishes at my feet in ashes lay…  I don’t know anything left to surrender.  And my clock is ticking – each day brings me closer to eternity. There is less time ahead of me than was behind me.

I suppose until God chooses to pick up my ashes and breathe life into them, there isn’t anything I can do but wait.  Perhaps you look at me and say, can these dry bones live (Ezekiel 37)?  I ask myself the same question... I am waiting... I have waited.   The longer I wait, the deeper my restless soul cries out for satisfaction. 

In the waiting, I say with Peter, where else can I go Lord? Only you have the words of life (John 6:68).  


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