Sounds of Hope

I was about to have this baby any time. I had lost weight but my stomach swelled. It seemed this baby was a large one. I continued to see the doctor in Hannibal and planned to have this baby in the hospital where I worked. I had so much anxiety. I had no idea what I would do. I remember thinking that at least I knew the “system.” I could go back on food stamps. The government was no longer giving away commodity foods except for the large blocks of cheese. Later we would qualify for this cheese and because of the size of our family get 45 pounds of cheese a month – that’s a LOT of cheese. I was in labor all day. I waited until my husband came home from work. I headed to the hospital thinking it would be a quick and easy delivery. My last two had been very quick. This one was not. It wasn’t a long delivery, but it wasn’t short like the others. This baby was large. The large baby I had was only 7 pounds and she came quick and easily. Delivery rooms were still mere operating rooms. It ...

Alvin did come to the hospital on Sunday. Bethany was still in ICU. I was still in the private room. I don’t think I had seen him since the beating. I felt conflicted because of the children. They should have a father. But he was no father to them. He abused them. I was not sure how to navigate the spiritual landscape of divorce. I still believed in the old fashioned values concerning marriage. Some people will still tell you that God always wants to restore a marriage. I think that is true. However, both people in that marriage have to come to the foot of the cross and be willing to be changed, molded and transformed into whole people. Alvin simply didn’t. Alcohol and other “demons” controlled his life. I had begged God to change me. I had begged God to make me into a good wife. Yet my instincts as a mother also told me it was past time to protect these children. There was a new child lying in the ICU fighting for her life. Alvin walked with a strut. He strutted in with no shame. ...

Once in the delivery room Dr. Halverson took his place. I was already fully dilated the full ten centimeters. I was ready to push. I hadn’t seen Jane since the Emergency Room. I was alone, all alone. I assumed she was somewhere. I was pretty sure she was praying. It was a very good thing that she was. While I was ready to welcome this new member to my family, I was worried about our future. I knew God. I’d known Him since I was a child. I had received Jesus as my savior many times. I was always riddled with guilt so I almost always responded to an altar call. One can’t be too careful about one’s salvation if you are full of guilt. I really felt my life was over. Alvin and I had remarried. I had such hope. I thought sure we were going to be that couple with the great testimony. Eventually, I would be the preacher’s wife. I would be respected. But here I was, ready to bring another child into the world. We had no money. I didn’t even have a telephone in the trailer I lived in. I had a ...

Birth and Death Collide It’s always odd how normal life creeps in during a crisis. On this day, thirteen years ago, as we huddled together as a family, we celebrated a birthday. Normally birthdays are happy times. The birthday boy was my oldest son. I hadn’t been with him on his birthday for many years. He had come for the funeral though, not for his birthday. I had a teacher in college who said to me once, it seems to be your family’s tradition to marry young and have children young. I don’t think we planned it that way, but it seems to be somewhat true. Here I am now a great grandmother because of a sixteen-year-old father. I was seventeen when I became a mother on this day forty-one years ago.  (Okay, I know you are doing the math and while I hate to admit my age, I am 58. Anyone who wants to email me and tell me how shocked you are would make me very happy J .) Nathan was born at 5:30 p.m. on February 9, 1969. I was seven months pregnant. The day before, my mot...